It's Not Easy Being Green X-Men Toad Fan FicIt's Not Easy Being Green
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Characters: Toad, David Haller, Sylvie Lipchitz, Magneto.Part of the
Rating: R. Humor. Rude remarks, adult bar conversation, sexual themes. Summary: Toad (Mortimer Toynbee) tries to find a date in New York.
Special Thanks to Tiffany A. for sending a series of inspirational pick-up/put-down lines, many of which are used here.
It's Not Easy Being Green
"Hey baby, Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Toad tried, lamely, at a leggy, busty blonde in a tight vinyl dress, who was sitting amazingly alone at the bar he had hared off to that weekend. Probably because her violet metallic eyes and hair marked her as a mutant. So much the better.
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." She snapped back.
Despite this rebuff, her delectable appearance tempted him to play his trump card anyway: He slid his tongue out used it to pick up his Pina Colada, took a long swallow, and then set it back down on the counter delicately.
"I have just one word to say to you, beautiful:" he leered at her, "cunnilingus.
"EEEEWWwww! Gross!" she squealed loudly, in what Mortimer Toynbee decided was a gratifying manner.
"Is this jerk bothering you?" her spiky haired boyfriend, (obviously, from the way they wrapped round each other immediately,) asked, returning, as Toad could see, from the men's loo.
"Oh shit," Morty thought, "it's David Haller."
Happily for Morty, Haller didn't know who he was, other than a creep who had hit on his girlfriend.
"Bug off, Creep." He snarled unoriginally, "My girlfriend thinks your snot."
Much as Toad would have liked to kick David in the nuts, he could see there would be no point in doing so. So he just gave a parting shot, before walking away, to the couple out of spite.
"You know, that boyfriend of yours was born in 1949
"You're fifty one?" He could hear the girl ask as he was leaving. "Is he loony?"
"No," David, who still looked (and acted) like a punk kid of 18 or less admitted. "I just seem to be stuck in puberty forever. It's part of my mutation I guess."
"So that's why you can go on night and day..." she mused.
"My dad's over 70, and doesn't look a day over fifty." he added.
"So when am I going to get to meet your dad, honey?"
At the other end of the bar, Morty was now trying his panoply of pickup lines on a series of girls, with his usual poor success rate:
Toad: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Brunette: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Toad: "I want to give myself to you."
Blonde: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Toad: "It's not easy being green"
Green haired girl: "Why don't you try being gone instead?"
This was getting him nowhere. What was the point of practically being North American Cunnilingus Champion, he thought, if you could never get a date.
Besides which, he needed a bit more warmth in his life. His present "friends" in the Brotherhood of Mutants consisted of a temptingly gorgeous blue naked woman who regarded him as a useful, but unappetizing insect, a Mountain of fur who periodically threatened to rip off his limbs whenever he made a smart remark, and his "boss" Magneto, who had all the warmth and chumminess of an iced soft drink spilled on the crotch. He had driven down to New York with Magneto that day, and yet within ten minutes, had been dumped like a bloody chauffeur till morning. He wondered what Maggie was up to in New York, not believing for a second his excuse that he was visiting his
"Oh, well", he thought, "I might as well keep trying."
Toad: "Is this seat empty?"
Redhead: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Toad: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman with bald head: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Toad: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy!
Girl with three breasts: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing"
Toad: "So what do you do for a living?"
Curiously tall, plain woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
And so it went on, all night. He was never sure if his poor success rate was due to his poor pick up lines, or to his personal appearance. He suspected the latter. He had, after all, got most of those lines from listening to successful guys pick up girls. Unfortunately he had to admit that most of those guys were not under 5'3", with bad teeth, green skin, bad hair, warts and a 16 foot tongue.
Women were so shallow, he decided, especially in New York. It wasn't as though he didn't have other qualities: He was a great dancer, and before his mutation appeared, had dreamed of being a chorus boy, or better still a star in musicals in London. He had wit, and was good at fixing things, liked Sondheim, and going to shows. He could sing a nice baritone, and do all sorts of showy martial arts stuff. Why did New York girls have such a thing about looks? He wondered.
On the drive back North, he decided he might as well ask Magneto for advice. True he had never seemed the warm confiding sort, but hell, if anybody knew how to get girls without seeming to even try, it had to be Mags. The way the succulent Mystique wrapped her self around him when ever she could, made it look like she had been spirit-gummed to his shirt. He had to be at least seventy and still could get a line of willing girls at a bar, by just sitting quietly and sipping pilsner. Toad couldn't figure it out, since he didn't think the guy was that good looking, even if he did not look seventy.
Still, if he was going to have to drive the guy for hours, when Maggie could have flown there himself in half the time, he should get something out of it. So he explained his situation, and his experiences at the bar, and prodded Mags for advice.
"Why Toad," Magneto told him, "why don't you try mutant bars?"
"It was a mutant Bar!" He whined, "Not even mutant girls like green guys with warts!"
"Perhaps a herpetologist?"
"I tried that for a while," Toad confided, "but all she wanted was my body. I got the feeling that she was waiting for me to croak off so she could dissect me for science."
"Have you ever had a relationship that worked out?"
"If I did, would I still be looking for chicks in mutant bars?" Morty whined again.
"Hmm." Magneto paused, trying to put matters delicately. "I would think that with your special talents for, um, certain things of an amorous nature, that just putting out a personals ad would get you a line at the box office, so to speak."
"I did that once and I got all sorts of weird kinky offers." He went on.
"Well," Magneto asked. "Wasn't that what you wanted?" He had always supposed Toad was the kinky type who would like that sort of thing.
"I want a relationship..." The whine grew more sharp and annoying, if that was possible. "I never meet any nice girls. I want somebody I can go out with, see shows, maybe a movie..."
"And there weren't any 'nice girls' as you put it, who answered your ad?"
"Not one!" Toad complained. "The all sent naked pictures, or dirty letters, or brochures for their B&D dungeons in Jersey." He insisted.
It flashed through Magnus' mind that putting out a personals ad might be more fun than he had previously imagined.
"What sort of ad did you write?" Was all he said.
"Oh, the obvious." Morty replied. "Agile diminutive toad-boy, longs to please. Cunn work a specialty." He sighed. "Just the usual."
"Nothing about going to movies or shows?"
"Perhaps we should rewrite your ad" Magneto decided.
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